Auchtoon!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, June 8, 2009

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, June 1, 2009

You know things are bad when your local editorial cartoonist grows weary of all the terrible news. Like dung beetles, we typically thrive on that, um, stuff. But geez, it is summer! So in the midst of this spectacularly awful Michigan season of foreclosure and bankruptcy and unemployment and general despair, I was looking for a ray of sunshine.

And in West Michigan that came in the form of our 40^th annual Festival of Arts. Every year in the first weekend of June, volunteers organize an effort to take over several downtown city blocks to put on a street party. There are food booths galore with impressive varieties. There are tents filled with artworks from the sublime to the strange. There are several stages where the young and old entertain in a steady stream. It really is impressive. Check it out next year. Assuming there is a Michigan then. (Back to despair.)

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, May 25, 2009

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, May 18, 2009

My wife and I own a small business. We self-insure for medical costs. Every time we get a medical bill with nothing covered by insurance (which is often) or every time the premium goes up by double-digit percentages (which is always), I feel like we’re being consumed by a crocodile. And what good is having the best medical care system in the world (which I doubt) if nobody can afford it?

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, May 11, 2009

The next time you start ranting on how messed up the world is today, how movies and entertainment are much too violent and depraved, and how we are hitting record highs (or lows) on the debauchery meter, take some quiet time to read a book on Greek mythology. Dude, that stuff is messed up! I mean, Quentin Tarantino writes nursery rhymes compared to some of this Greek mythology stuff. (Wait, as it turns out, most nursery rhymes are pretty messed up, too. How about, “Quentin Tarantino makes Disney movies compared to …no, that doesn’t hold, either. Have you ever seen Disney’s “Pinocchio”? Or “Dumbo”? Freaky, weird sh–, er, stuff.)

I remember reading the story of Prometheus when I was in 6th grade. Basically, as a punishment for stealing and sharing the gods’ fire with humans, Zeus has Prometheus chained to a side of a mountain where a bird (usually described as a giant eagle) pecks out his liver. The next day the liver grows back and the eagle returns to eat it again. And so on. It wasn’t till I dissected a frog in high school that I truly understood the nastiness of this.

Not quite as nasty — but certainly unpleasant — is being the Mayor of a mid-size city and year after year having less money from the state (money your taxpaying citizens sent to the state) to pay for vital services. Definitely hyperbole to compare it to involuntary organ donation, but hyperbole is what cartoonists do. I was trying to figure a way to draw this and actually show a Governor Granholm bird tearing out a Mayor Heartwell liver, but I couldn’t figure a way to do it without a bunch of confusing labels. You will have to look forward to next week when I’ll post a drawing of a man being consumed by a crocodile. What’s the matter with the world today?…

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, May 4, 2009

Lots of backstory I don’t have time to tell, but the sentiment in panel four is fairly universal.

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 27, 2009

ArtPrize was all the buzz here in West Michigan at the end of last month. Click the name for details, but in quick summary: There was a teaser build-up to a secret announcement from the grandson of Amway co-founder Rick DeVos. Mr DeVos promised something new and big that would be a tremendous boost to both the prestige and economy of West Michigan. The media frothed over the possibilities: a new movie studio was the leading guess, but most were pretty scattered. (It’s funny — up until a few years ago the universal guess in these parts would have been “automotive assembly plant.” Times change quickly.)

Turns out it will be an art competition to be held within the center of Grand Rapids in various public venues for a significant amount of money — top prize, $250,000. The reaction from many was what you might expect for something new and different — I don’t get it. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t entirely get it myself. But that’s are large part of the appeal — I’m looking forward to seeing what happens, participating in public voting, and hanging out downtown a bit more this summer and fall.

So for the comic, I grabbed various examples of art-ish stuff that had suffered similar initially dismissive reactions:

• Painting. Piaccso. Actually, my favorite Picasso is Guernica (which is really an editorial cartoon), but it was too horizontal and I had moral issues with cropping it.
• Dance. Martha Graham. This photo makes me think of my Grandmother Hallman, who was a dancer. Man, what I wouldn’t give to see a film clip of her when she was in vaudeville.
• Film. Chaplin’s Modern Times. Actually my favorite Chaplin film is “The Great Dictator.” (The last scene when he makes his plea for humanity at the Nazi-like rally… sends chills every time.) However, an unstated rule of editorial cartooning is “don’t use a Hitler image unless you… you know what? Just never use a Hitler image.”
• Architecture. Frank Lloyd Wright. Here’s the thing — I don’t like anything that he ever designed. I just don’t. But I thought it important to include something that many acknowledge as great, but I don’t appreciate.
• Music. The Beatles. A more obvious choice here might have been to go with Sgt. Peppers. But by then, they were already widely praised. And if I were going with favorites, I would have used “Revolver.”

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 20, 2009

Two West Michigan things you need to know:

• Our minor league baseball team, the West Michigan Whitecaps, recently generated international media coverage with the introduction of a new sandwich at their home ballpark: the Fifth Third burger. (The ballpark is named after Fifth Third Bank, possibly the most confusing business name ever, but as it turns out, works well for a burger which has five 1/3 pound patties.) It was the perfect counter-story — that is, in these times of belt-tightening and prudent behavior, folks around the world seemed delighted to be presented with an ostentatious display of gluttony.
• Next Tuesday we’ll be heading to the polls to vote on a millage for a new high-speed bus route, the Silver Line. Like all initial efforts in public transportation, it seems like a clumsy idea and potentially wasteful. Until it’s there and people start to use it, then it will be great and seem like it’s always been there.

And here’s something that you really don’t need to know, but I’m going to tell you anyway. The last time I recall overeating to the point of physical pain was when I was a sophomore in college — during the last week of school the dorm cafeteria had Italian Food night. After a year of Salisbury steak doused in A1 sauce and the quality of salad fixins you’d expect to find in Houghton, Michigan in 1983 (not good, not good), I had no self-control. I ate twice my body weight and maybe one of my own fingers. I remember barely getting back to my 5th floor room and falling like a wounded cow on to the floor. I wanted to throw up but feared the pressure would be so great that my digestive tract would be turned inside-out. After a couple of hours I was finally able move around again. Yeech! So, no, I won’t be ordering a Fifth Third burger anytime soon.

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 13, 2009

Back in the late 1980s, Kevin Nealon used to do this bit on Saturday Night Live where he was a TV interviewer who’s entire goal was to make the interviewee cry. So no matter who he was talking with, he’d ask probing questions about tragedies they might have experienced, times that they were very sad, perhaps a death of a loved one, or a favorite pet. And when they finally were reduced to tears, he’d turn toward the camera and smile. (I’ve already spent more time than I should searching for a clip, so if one of you find one, let me know and I’ll insert it here.)

This kept going through my mind during the Final Four weekend earlier this month. The NCAA men’s basketball finals were being played in Detroit and the Michigan State Spartans were, as underdogs from the underdog Big Ten conference and the underdog state of Michigan, the feel-good story. Quite a few State players hale from Michigan, so the national press and CBS just were just thrilled to ask them: Any of your family unemployed? Are times tough? What’s it like to live in a slum? Are you hungry now? How does this make you feel? It was a week-long SNL skit.

I was disappointed, sure, but not surprised. Michigan has become a tabloid story to the rest of the world and all those stories must include the words “unemployment, rust, decay, and heartbreaking.” Whatever. As I’ve said before, when parched folks outside our borders come sniffing around for fresh water in a few years, we’ll gladly provide them with a big brimming cup of kiss our ass. But for the few who happen to report about something positive before then — say, about the Michigan State Medical School being built here in Grand Rapids — come on in and have a swim!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 6, 2009

Just looking for fairness in an unfair world….