Auchtoon!

After last week’s multi-panel, text-filled cartoon, I wanted to do something simple and quick (for your sake and for mine). And while I like it, and I think it makes its point, I will cop to the fact that it is not necessarily 100% accurate.

Mike Ilitch died this past week. He was a Michigan icon, born in Detroit to working-class immigrant parents. He and his wife Marian founded Little Caesars Pizza and grew it into a business empire. He was longtime owner and fierce supporter of our beloved Detroit Red Wings and Detroit Tigers. His charitable life ran the gamut from youth sports programs and education to community economic assistance and veteran affairs.

But the truth is, Mr. Ilitch was not all “give.” He was a businessperson who created a great deal of wealth by looking after his own interests. The new Little Caesar’s Arena in Detroit is a pretty good example of that. It was certainly within Mr. Ilitch’s ability to pay for the entire facility himself, but instead he managed to get $350 million in taxpayer money to share the cost.

Some people resent this and hold it against Ilitch . I tend to take a broader view. First, billionaires get to be billionaires by taking money people are willing to give them. Second, Detroit could have done a whole lot worse with a sports franchise owner. (Donald Trump famously not only sunk his New Jersey Generals football team in the 1980s but pretty much drove the whole United States Football League out of business.)

Nevertheless, the truth may also be that Trump is not all “take.” (If he’d just release his tax returns, we’d be better able to qualify that. And whether he is in fact a billionaire.) But the point is that cartoons (and memes) exaggerate to be funny or provoke a response, but real life is much more nuanced. Ideally, simple and quick start conversations, not end them.

All of our money (as in United States of America legal tender) has the motto, “In God We Trust.” Our coins also have “E pluribus unum” (out of many, one) and “Liberty.” They are there, I believe, as reminders of who we are and would like to be as Americans. It may get a little crowded (especially on the dime), but I humbly submit that we should add one more: “We are a country of action; lies do not become us.”

That is, of course, comes from the great William Goldman and his book and screenplay for “The Princess Bride.” I hope you have read the book and seen the movie. (If Betsy DeVos wants to begin to win me over, she can start by making this a national education requirement.)

Even if you have and don’t remember, there is a scene where the evil Prince Humperdinck and his soldiers capture our heroes Westley and Princess Buttercup. In exchange for agreeing to go with Humperdinck, Buttercup makes him promise to return Westley safely to his ship. He lies to Buttercup, giving his word that it will be done. After Humperdinck and Buttercup ride off, the prince’s henchman, Rugen, sneers down at Westley, “Come, sir, we must get you to your ship.” Westley, knowing full well he intends to torture and kill him, replies, “We are men of action; lies do not become us.”

To my mind, that fits perfect with our other mottoes. It explicitly demonstrates the ideals we Americans aspire to: Honor. Courage. Fortitude. No BS.

Gerrymandering is contrary to those ideals. It lies about who we are. It skews what we represent. It nurtures the self-preservation of those in power. It tips the balance to favor a privileged few over liberty for all. It limits discourse. It protects scoundrels.

We are a country of action; lies do not become us.

The topic for this week’s cartoon started with news of Michigan Republican legislators pushing for tax cuts ahead of Governor Snyder presenting a budget for the upcoming fiscal year. It seemed fairly irresponsible, given the challenges Michigan faces and the fact that they cannot ever seem to be bothered with identifying the budgets that would require corresponding cutting. The governor, to his credit, pointed this out:
http://michiganradio.org/post/governor-snyder-pushes-back-against-tax-cut-fever-legislature

But the inspiration came from a good friend of mine, Jim, who earlier this week shared an old Detroit News article about his great uncle, Jerry terHorst. Mr. terHorst was the press secretary for Gerald Ford who famously resigned his position when Ford pardoned Richard Nixon. From the article:

…tenHorst was “stunned” to learn the President was going to pardon Richard Nixon, before indictment and before trial. TenHorst recalls: “I wondered very briefly that afternoon whether there wasn’t some way I could serve my conscience and still stay on at the White House. But that period of consideration was very short. I knew I couldn’t.”

So even though President Ford was an old and dear friend, tenHorst felt he could not be a mouthpiece for something his values absolutely could not support.

But here’s the kicker: To find a new press secretary, Ford had head-hunters contact terHorst. Ford so respected terHorst he did not hesitate to go to him for advice.

Wow. Where have these people gone?

The thing is, I know principled, conservative, Christian Republicans still exist. My friend Jim is one, and he shares those very traits with his uncle. If I happen to run into him, I expect we’ll talk about the cartoon, and he’ll share his view, which will likely run counter to mine. (Note that I wrote “view” and not “side.” I’m positive we are on the same side: the importance of fiscal responsibility.)

But where the heck are the principled, conservative, Christian people in Republican leadership?

I was outed long ago as a Gerald Ford fanboy, so forgive me yet another indulgence, but consider:

• President Gerald Ford and press secretary Jerry terHorst
• President Donald Trump and press secretary Sean Spicer

Could there possibly be a more stark contrast in personal integrity?

Wow.

See? See?! This is exactly why I think it’s ridiculous to declare allegiance to any particular political party. Who they are and what they represent is a fluid thing — they change over time. Sometimes very, very quickly.

It was just eight years ago when automaker CEOs were also schlepping to Washington DC. Back then it really was to secure a future for the American manufacturing industry. They were harangued by all flavors of lawmakers. And rightfully so. The automakers had not created the crisis (a bursting housing bubble had done that), but they had left themselves highly vulnerable with years and years of bad decision-making.

But what was particularly hard to take were Republican senators like Jeff Sessions of Alabama riding around on their high horses extolling the purity and sanctity of unfettered capitalism. (Never mind that they basically bought their assembly plants with massive tax breaks.)

So what happened to the Republican party whose supposed rock-bed tenet is free and open markets? Because now it seems that same party is leading the way to closing markets, applying tariffs, inserting itself at every opportunity, and attempting to pick the winners and losers.

The answer is, the party evolves. And so the Republican party of eight years ago has the same name, but for all intents and purposes, it has become the Nationalist party. If it’s new rock-bed tenet is America first, all that free market capitalism (and everything else) by definition is going to have a lower priority.

Well, at least there are virtuous leaders within the federal government who will be there to ensure the auto industry and Michigan get a fair shake. Leaders like the new Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, who… oh, never mind.

One of the big downsides to January in Michigan is the annual State of the State address. (Of course, the main upside to January in Michigan is that it isn’t February.) We have not been blessed with governors who are accomplished orators, at least not during the time that I’ve been editorial cartooning.

John Engler was so bad it was actually part of his charm. (That may be the only published instance where you will see “charm” and “John Engler” in the same sentence.) He was an effective behind-the-scenes guy who was clearly uncomfortable speechifying. You could almost see the thought balloon above his head as he talked, “My hands. What do I do with my hands?”

Jennifer Granholm had skills but in the “smart kid hitting all her marks” sense. Technically there, but something much less than inspiring. True, as governor during Michigan’s lost decade, she had some pretty grim material to work with. But then so did Churchill, and he did okay. (Perhaps governors should be required to deliver all future speeches using a British accent.)

Before I dump on Governor Snyder, I should mention my own deficiencies in this area. When I was in high school I purposely took debate and forensics in an effort to become decent at public speaking. Thank goodness this was before ubiquitous recording devices and YouTube because I was bad. Legendarily bad. There were times when I could see in a judge’s eyes her longing for a tranquilizer gun to put me down and end everybody’s misery.

The remarkable thing about Snyder’s address wasn’t the expected not-so-great delivery, it was the content. Both Engler and Granholm pretty much gave up in their last terms, but here Rick Snyder seemed to be announcing “I’m kinda done with this” ahead of time!

Especially the infrastructure thing. I know it’s a tough gig with a Republican legislature actively working against him. (Admittedly, drawing him disappearing into a sinkhole probably isn’t helping, either.) But I think this would have been a good time to rally Michigan citizens with some sort of definitive plan! Oy.

I guess what I’m saying is, out of the two farewell addresses I heard in the last week, I preferred Obama’s.

The Amazon TV-series “The Man in the High Castle” explores an America in which the Allies lost World War II and Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan rule over our country. A 2004 mockumentary, “C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America,” considers what might have happened if the South had won our Civil War. These sorts of alternate histories can be highly entertaining and also add perspective to real history through drama and satire.

I’d love to see a take on modern America, and specifically Michigan, if the automobile industry had been allowed to collapse eight years ago. I think it would be fascinating, especially if it used real economic models to extrapolate the consequences.

Of course, the reality was that the auto industry contracted hard, but first the Bush Administration and then the Obama Administration provided cover for survival. And credit where credit is due: It was Michigan autoworkers, from designers in Ann Arbor, to engineers in Detroit, to line workers in Flint (as well as suppliers and fabricators all over state) who contributed mightily to bring it back to its very healthy current state.

That good health is fairly obvious at the North American International Auto Show (NAIAS) presently going on in Detroit, and radically different from the NAIAS of 2009. Today we are talking about viable, mass-produced fully electric cars (the Chevy Bolt), a top-level pickup truck (Honda Ridgeline) not built by the big three, and — my goodness — the rebirth of the minivan (Chrysler Pacifica). We even have a major player (Volkswagen) openly confessing its sins and accepting the punishment. That’s progress!

In fact, one of the few similarities between now and then, is the chatter of government intervention. Back then, it was substantial and serious and critical to survival. Today it is randomly generated tweets. If you think about it, that too is progress, and I’m glad not to be in a Michigan of alternate history.

Earlier this week Governor Snyder offered President-elect Trump some unsolicited advice, as one businessperson who was new to public office to another: Respect that most government workers know what they’re doing. You can read the Michigan Radio story here: http://michiganradio.org/post/snyder-trump-respect-accomplishments-public-employees

It was actually pretty good advice, but it may ring a little hollow coming from Snyder. Of course the cartoon exaggerates what Snyder has said to public servants (as well as the public servant’s response), but it does capture the narrative that helped get Snyder elected and has generated much of his political power, which is: All private sector workers are virtuous, hard-working folks who earn their pay. All public sector workers are corrupt, lazy sub-humans who are a drain on society.

True to form, Trump has not only ignored the advice but doubled-down by calling into question the competence and integrity of our nation’s intelligence agencies and its workers. So now in addition to bureaucrats, educators, the IRS, and the military, our next president is starting off on the wrong foot with the FBI and CIA. Undoubtedly most of these workers are dedicated professionals, but how many times do they have to hear their Commander-in-Chief tell them they suck?

The best allegory I can think of for this is from science fiction humorist Douglas Adams and his Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. He tells a story of the planet Golgafrincham. The inhabitants are convinced their planet is somehow doomed (their planet will crash into their sun, a moon will crash into the planet, they will be invaded by twelve-foot piranha bees — nobody knew for sure).

So they conceive a plan to escape. The Golgafrinchans identify a third of their population to be essentially useless, which includes those whose job it is to sanitize public telephones. They round of up these folks first and ship them off on a spaceship. After they are gone, the remaining population delights in their new utopia and decide to stay. Soon, however, a virulent disease contracted via unsanitary telephones wipes them all out. (If Trump can’t seem to heed direct advice, I can’t imagine he would comprehend the moral of the story, but there it is.)

To all I wish peace, love, and good health this holiday season and throughout the new year!

For my fellow Christians, I also want to note that we have some big responsibilities in 2017. I mean, we always do, but because the election of Donald Trump was largely our doing, we owe it to ourselves and our country to be particularly attentive.

The election is finally and officially over. So no matter the reason we voted for Trump (a single issue, the lesser of two evils, wholehearted support), the reason no longer matters. He will be the President. And as Christians it is our duty to hold him to our Christ-inspired standards for leadership: compassion, selflessness, honesty, and integrity.

It won’t be easy. (Following Christ never is — He was pretty clear about that.) Still, I am hopeful that if we act not as an inward facing tribe but as a community living the tenets of our faith we can have a positive influence on the President we elected.

Merry Christmas!

You may think that I’m kidding about Flint hitting up Russia for a little help. I’m not sure that I am. It’s been three years now. Three years of unsafe drinking water in Flint. Michigan. USA. And as recent stories on Michigan Radio will tell you, there is no clear indication as to when the situation will be totally fixed.

So why not hand Mr. Putin another propaganda victory? There doesn’t seem to any shame or consequence to that anymore. In fact, in this post-thinking, it’s-all-about-feeling world, it pays dividends. If those Russian computer scamps can plant stories and hack their way into our election system, they can certainly transfer some funds to pay for pipe replacement. Who cares where the money comes from?

Up is down. Down is up. And — above all — the end justifies the means. So, please, go ahead and at least check into it, Mayor Weaver. As our new besty comrades used to say, “Morally ambiguous leaders of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your souls!” (Okay. That’s not exactly accurate, but I don’t see how that matters.)

In writing these little “support” articles for my cartoons over the years, more than a few readers have made a point of telling me how much they hate having the cartoon “explained” to them. They feel the cartoon should stand on its own, and it definitely should. I get that. My intention is not to explain the cartoon but to add context to the subject, present a counter-view, or provide bonus value.

However, if you are one of those readers, you might want to move on because I’m gonna straight up explain this one.

The point of the cartoon: Telling people to shut up, stop whining, and get over it is unkind and if you are doing it, I am trying to shame you into stopping by pointing out the company that you are keeping.

It’s not about sides, it’s not political parties. I know all the rabbit holes we can take this down. “But Obama…” and “Well, Bush and Gore…” and “I just feel that…” and so on. It’s not about any of that either. It’s about trying to be a better human being.

Also, you should know that my entire memory of Family Feud comes from being sick as kid, staying home from school, and watching it on daytime TV. I assume the current incarnation is the same thing. I didn’t research it beyond noting that the host is different. (Steve Harvey doesn’t get all smoochy with the ladies the way Richard Dawson used to, does he? I sure hope not.)