Auchtoon!Airline Travel — the Thrill Is Gone…
Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, August 20, 2007
This summer I took a flight to Washington DC, which meant making a connection through Detroit Metro Airport. Oh, there is a direct flight from Grand Rapids to DC. One might ask why I didn’t take advantage of that. But then one might also have had the experience of laboring for hours with maddening websites and hopelessly worn-out customer service representatives to figure out how to use one’s frequent flyer miles for such a purpose. And one would then give up before one’s bile and hatred backed up further into one’s throat and choked one to death. (I’m seriously considering cashing in my 90,000 miles for the alternative crap they offer — paper weight, tea cozy, $20 Applebee’s gift card, whatever — but I dislike the idea of Northwest Airlines winning.)
There. Now that I got to complain about something I can tell you that the flight experience itself went well. In fact, the only thing remarkable about it was that, as I started to mention, I flew from Detroit Metro to DC and who was three rows in front of me but our very own senior US Senator, Carl Levin. Senator Levin is a frumpy irascible curmudgeon perpetually peering over half-moon reading specs and sporting not so much a comb-over hairstyle as it is a wind-up. Honestly. It’s like a mini-turban. I’m not quite sure how it stays there. I didn’t detect any barrettes, shellac, or staples. I mean no disrespect — I’m truly curious. As a bald man who aspires one day to be a frumpy irascible curmudgeon, I’d like to know the secret.
But the reason this is remarkable is that Senator Levin was flying with us common folk in coach, not first-class. It was heartening to know my Senator was slumming in steerage with the rest of us riff-raff, sharing the countless indignities such as finding a small space in the overhead to store away his already wrinkled suit jacket. He was cordial but obviously wasn’t there trying to collect votes. He sat down and immersed himself in his own business just like the rest of us. And not once did he solicit me to join him in the restroom for a homo-erotic encounter, which apparently is not a courtesy all US Senators extend to fellow travelers.
Did you ever fly with somebody famous? Tell me about it!
Jane said,
August 30, 2007 @ 8:17 am
At the same time you were flying to DC, I was flying with all my sisters to San Francisco to celebrate the 50th birthday of our eldest sister. Walking through the Gerald R. Ford International Airport we found our gate. Sitting there with his telltale leather sandals was Fr. Matt, a recently ordained priest who had been a deacon at our church. We spoke a minute and exchanged pleasantries and then us three Macciomei gals were onto the next chatty thing.
We boarded our rather small plane (maybe it sat 45 people). As we were getting our things situated I was watching the other passengers board. Several very large African American men entered the plane and struggled to slither down the very narrow isle way. Several more large men entered and I was pretty sure about who the next man would be. Yup. I was right. Seated directly behind me was Floyd Mayweather, Jr. Pretty Boy Floyd. Floyd is like the Light Middleweight Champion boxer of the world or something like that. A Grand Rapids native, he had been in town promoting some sort of Boys/Girls Club idea so I was aware he was in town.
As we got the go-ahead for takeoff my thoughts were these: Well, up toward the front of the aircraft we have Fr. Matt praying for us all and praying for a safe flight. Here toward the back we have Floyd Mayweather the Champion of the World. I feel pretty safe spiritually because Fr. Matt is here. I feel pretty safe physically because I can’t imagine anybody messing with me with Floyd and his very large entourage surrounding my sisters and me. Then quick before they disallowed the use of cell phones I called you to tell you of the celebrity seated behind me!
Kris said,
August 30, 2007 @ 10:26 am
In August I flew Boston to Detroit for a business deal-i-o and bonus visit with parents. As I came down an escalator at DTW, I noted the man in front of me with his unnaturally black hair in a long type of bob hairstyle. He was tall and had a very fancy roller bag made out of titanium or some brushed metal. He wore a black shirt, jeans, and unusual boots with metal tips on them. I thought to myself, who would want to have hair like Gene Simmons? As we de-escalated, I walked by him and his burly companion and looked back. We made eye contact and I smiled but he didn’t. Only Gene Simmons himself can pull off that hair and still be menacing!
Mike said,
August 31, 2007 @ 7:25 am
Years ago I was on a flight from London to Berlin. Working for deep-pocketed Ford, I always flew “Club Europe”, BA’s version of business class. Sure it was lots more expensive but we were on a business trip and that is why they call it business class.
While boarding, I noticed a group of people were surrounding a very short woman. She was wrapped in baggy sweats, had long stringy blonde hair and large sunglasses. She didn’t look very happy. I thought perhaps she was going to audition for the part of cousin It in Germany’s version of the Adam’s family and wasn’t optimistic about her chances.
The woman and her keepers sat three rows in front of me and during the 90 minute flight, the entourage kept very busy grooming her. They were brushing, curling, painting and belting …I watched as the well-practiced team transformed the lumpy cotton bag into Pamela Anderson.
We were asked to stay on the plane for an extra few minutes while Ms. Anderson & company deplaned. Apparently there was a throng of paparazzi that were blocking Tegel’s arrival gate and sending her through first would clear them out.
Nobody on the plane was overtly impressed. I recall sitting back in my seat, making eye contact with her as she maneuvered her ample chest between the seat backs, and sniffing at the inconvenience she was causing. (I had quite a lexicon of British-looks by that time that included at least 10 for disapproval.)
John said,
August 31, 2007 @ 11:19 am
Beautiful! Again, all goes to the point of air travel being completely unglamorous.
Question: If Gene Simmons and Pamela Anderson had a child, would it come out real or mostly just plastic parts?