Auchtoon!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 30, 2007

At least I hope Alberto Gonzales is lying. I hope he’s just a loyal servant who happened to get the short end of the latest Bush Administration executive-power-play-gone-wrong, and he’s simply taking one for the team. “Say hi to Scooter Libby in hell, Al!” Oh how Cheney and Rove love to laugh and play!

I hope the Attorney General is being purposely effusive, giving out minor details in measured inconsistencies and covering the major ones in thick clay layers of “I don’t recalls.” This could be useful in the next administration — when the first husband gets caught in an illicit tryst instead of “I never had sex with that woman!” he could go with “I don’t recall having sex with that woman.” Denies truth, leaves wiggle room, and insults that foul temptress who should have known better. Nice.

Yes, I certainly hope Mr. Gonzales is a big, fat liar-face because if he isn’t, well, if he isn’t that would mean that he really is an extraordinarily incompetent administrator, he really is (after practicing for weeks) incapable of articulating his own motivations and policies, he really is the leader of our nation’s legal community, which would consider him a fool. (At least liars, I’m told, are held in a somewhat higher regard.)

But what I hope for most of all, what I would really, really loved to see is for the Pistons and the Red Wings to win their championships this year! (And I bet Mr. Gonzales’s wish is for everybody to be as easily distracted as I am.)