Auchtoon!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, January 2007

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, January 15, 2007

When people say, “That’s not fair” what they generally mean is that “Things didn’t go my way, and I’m not happy about it.” The natural response, then, is to invoke a convenient rule or regulation that seems vaguely objective in hopes of turning things back around their way. When this happens successfully, the first thing out of the mouths of people on the other side of the issue is, you guessed it, “That’s not fair.” And repeat. Just like the final step of shampoo bottle instructions. (Not that I’m terribly familiar with shampoo bottles.)

That’s the theme of this week’s comic. The particulars are kind of esoteric (and, frankly, not very interesting), but in general what happened was that Michigan Governor Granholm vetoed a bill that would have allowed Grand Rapids to do what it wanted to do (fund a sports authority to attract sporting events, like college basketball tournaments, high school state hockey finals, etc.). She did this mostly because Lansing complained that this was unfair. So, veto. Which caused Grand Rapids to complain that this was unfair. And repeat…

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, January 8, 2007

It’s so nice when things line up. You know, when stuff happens the way you would like it to happen even though the truth is that you had absolutely no influence over it happening the way it happened. Know what I mean? No?

All right then, I’ll put it to you this way: Out of any modern American president (and by modern, I mean one who was in office during my life), who would you pick to represent you? Who would you pick as the type of person you would like to be? The type of person you would like your neighbors to be? The type of person who other would say, “There goes a terrific example of what is all about.”?

Who said Nixon? Who said Nixon and wasn’t trying to be funny? Nobody, that’s who. The obvious answer here is Ford, Gerald R. Ford. Okay, sure, there are some isolated reasons to pick somebody else: If Jimmy Carter were your neighbor, he might come over and help you build a deck. That’d be nice. And if you were George W Bush, you’d never have to be bothered with understanding facts ever again. (Of course, if you were Bill Clinton you’d get to understand facts perfectly well, but then convince everybody else that they don’t.)

But on the whole, you’ve got to go with Ford. Decent, bright, honest, athletic, practical, self-depreciating, hard-working, curious, a good husband, a good parent, a good friend. So when the world came to Grand Rapids earlier this month, it was either our good fortune or a blessing (or both) that we got to celebrate his life as one of ours. It was a point of pride to let everybody know he was from West Michigan. One of the good guys was on our team. It’s so nice when things line up.

As for the comic, it’s just my favorite Ford quote. Ford had a particular appreciation for editorial cartoons. Go visit the Ford Museum; you’ll see them all over the exhibits. How can you not love a guy like that?

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, December 2006

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, December 18, 2006

George Heartwell, the mayor of Grand Rapids, is the namesake for Heartwell Mortgage, a local mortgage lender, which is essentially what used to be a savings & loan. George Heartwell, Heartwell Mortgage; George Bailey, Bailey Savings & Loan. So there was my Christmas theme; I just needed to come up with the comic.

Mayor Heartwell is kind of an activist, progressive sort. Now you can take that as a positive or negative, but you could easily say that it’s very George Bailey-ish: You know, he tends to look out for the little guy.

When Michigan’s ballot Proposal 2 passed in November (the ban on taking race or gender into consideration for public jobs or admittance into public colleges), Mayor Heartwell said he was going to fight it. He then got all sorts of nasty-grams telling him that he did not understand that we live in a democracy, that the majority rule, the majority has spoken, and that was the end of the story for ever and ever.

That’s all wrong, of course. We live in a constitutional republic, not a democracy. Look it up. And the system is both awesome and annoying in that you can challenge what you think is wrong even if a majority had decided it. Case in point, Proposal 2 overturned a majority decision of the United State Supreme Court to allow the race and gender consideration.

I think the real issue with what Mayor Heartwell did was to propose using Grand Rapids city money to fight the decision. For a typically cash-strapped city, spending taxpayer money on lawyers just doesn’t seem like a great idea.

No clever wrap-up. Just this final thought: If I were rich like Mr. Potter, I would get a toady to push me around in a wheelchair. Not all the time. Just once in a while. Because, honestly, who doesn’t want their very own toady?

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, December 11, 2006

As a 16 year-old I went to see “Animal House” with my friends at a drive-in theater. I was underage for an R-rated movie but my parents had given their reluctant consent. (A belated thanks, Mom & Dad! Yeah, there were some things there that I probably should not have seen; but then again, nothing any worse than what I saw on Saginaw Street on the morning school bus ride through Flint.)

But seeing “Animal House” was educational in that it sold me on the idea of never joining a fraternity. Mostly it was the pledging concept. Why would I take abuse from guys I don’t even know so that I could earn the right to hang out with them? Then what happens if it turns out they are all jerks? It just seemed like a counter-intuitive way to make friends.

Much in the same way, Cabela’s (a retailer of hunting, fishing, camping, outdoorsy stuff) has proposed building a local store in a counter-intuitive way: Give us $15 million or we’ll look elsewhere. Now, to be fair, a Cabela’s is more than just a store. It’s something of a theme park for outdoor sports enthusiasts. They currently have a store in southeast Michigan that attracts millions of visitors a year. But as more of these Cabela’s get built, they are sure to become less and less special. Hunting and fishing are extremely popular in Michigan, but with increased urbanization they are definitely not growth industries. And what about the current outdoor sports stores that would likely be driven out of business?

So as a Michigan taxpayer, I’m thinkin’, “Why do I need to take this abuse to make a retailing friend?” And for $15 million, at the very least I’d expect a decent toga party….

A very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year from me and my family:
http://auchtoon.2gtech.com/comics/xmas/2006/

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, December 4, 2006

I’m sorry. I apologize if you found anything to be offensive in this week’s comic. I never intended for you to misinterpret my sincere efforts to inform and entertain you. I just want to make clear that any negative reactions on your part were totally unanticipated and that I had the very best of intentions, so if I’m guilty of giving 110% and falling short of that goal, then I have nobody to blame except the medication that I may or may not have been under the influence of during the creative process. It is times like these that I’m proud to have my family standing with me, supporting me, and perhaps whispering the very ideas you found offensive in my ear while I sleep. I don’t want to point any fingers, but I do have cats that scratch and bite me at times, and it’s very, very painful. (Please give me a moment while I compose myself.) When I return from rehab I hope to begin the healing process by giving you enough time for you to forget what it was that I did or did not do at the time in which we found out that Britney Spears is getting a divorce. Can you believe that? You should probably read more about that. Anyway, the terrorists are winning and you only have yourselves and your heterosexual lifestyles to blame. Strong words, yes, but I am not afraid to admit failure on your part.

But mostly I believe deep in my heart my gut tells me I’m right and you have to listen to your gut no matter what because weak people who are easily offended by comics don’t listen to their guts ever. Their guts are wrong but should be listened to. I’m no bigot about guts. No matter how disgusting and inferior yours might be, you must listen to them. Mistakes were made. That’s right, mistakes were made. But we must work together to sweep these away to make room for the new mistakes. Otherwise there will be a big pile of mistakes, and I won’t be able to do and say whatever I want to do or say whenever I want to do or say it without responsibility or consequences. And that’s un-American. You should be ashamed you even thought of that. And if I unintentionally aided you somehow toward these traitorous ends, well, for that I am sorry. I forgive you.

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, November 27, 2006

This week, just a general comment on modern business life: Technology that is supposed to free us often turns into more of a restraining device. But I’m guessing y’all already knew that….

News Bulletin:
Frazz creator Jef Mallett will appear on the nationally syndicated morning radio program, The Bob and Tom Show, Tuesday, December 5th. The show runs from 6-10 a.m. and boasts 5 million listeners.

Jef designed the cover for The Bob and Tom Show’s latest CD, “Manboobs,” a compilation of songs and sketches, and he did the same for their “Operation Radio” CD, which he designed free of charge since the collection was issued through the USO for American soldiers overseas.

Below is a link to the show’s affiliates, so please tune in!
http://www.bobandtom.com/gen3/affiliates.htm