Auchtoon!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, November 6, 2006

Growing up in South Carolina, my brother and I used to hang out with the Williams boys — Mike, who was my age, and Scott, who was two years older than me and a year older than my brother. That made Scott our elder statesman and knower of all things, which suited him because he was a smarty-pants/imaginative kind of guy and suited us because, when you’re only eight years-old, every grade level is a huge gap. In this role Scott was a wonderful source for a wide range of misinformation — from education (4th graders should not read 6th grade math books because it will damage their brains) to music (“Hot Rod Lincoln” by Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen was the best song ever) to pubic hair (umm… you don’t want to know what he said about that).

One time when we were tromping through the woods upstream on the creek behind the blackberry patch where the bamboo trees grew (not important, but these are the kind of things I remember), Scott pointed to a rounded-off bluff that jutted out on the opposite side of the creek. He told us that mound was actually the head of a whale that had gotten frozen there when the ice age came and the land was covered with water. Over time, the sea receded and the whale became covered with dirt and woods grew around it. But it could become unfrozen at any time, so we should never walk on the mound because the whale might wake up, flip us in the air, and eat us. As naïve as I was, I didn’t completely believe that one. But then, I remember making it a point to never walk on that mound. Scott knew enough about earth history to make it seem somewhat legitimate, but then he added the one ingredient that actually modified my behavior: fear. I didn’t want to be eaten. I had seen pictures in a Moby Dick book of bloody sailors clutched in the jaws of the great whale, so why chance going out like that?

Ya know what, though? This is exactly how political parties operate in an election season. Case in point: Democrat Robert Dean challenged Republican Tim Doyle for a Michigan House seat representing the east side of Grand Rapids. This is a traditionally Republican seat but with a term-limited incumbent and a well-known challenger in Dean (former school board member and county commissioner), it certainly was not a safe-bet for the Republicans. So the leader of the state GOP, Saul Anuzis, decided to send his flying monkeys out in the form of a mailer to scare folks away from Dean.

This mailer had an obviously darkened image of Dean (a black man) next to a list of misdemeanors Dean had committed back in the mid-1970s. Dean had been very open about his past and made a point of fully disclosing his criminal record when he announced his candidacy. So while it was clear that the flyer was accurate, it was eminently clear what the flyer was intended to do: scare voters. Black man = criminal = vote Republican. (Ironical irony: the state senator for the area which includes that district is a Republican black man.)

Doyle immediately disavowed anything to do with the mailer and demanded the state GOP stop sending it. Anuzis defended the mailer vigorously saying, “Fly, My Minions, Fly! And Do My Bidding!” or something to that effect. In the end, Dean upset Doyle and won the seat. So take that, Scott Williams. And the next time I’m in South Carolina, I’m gonna march right over and stand on that mound of dirt …maybe.

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, October 30, 2006

Vote, vote, vote,
vote, vote, vote.
Unless you are a goat,
’cause goats can’t vote.
vote vote vote,
vote, vote, vote.
Unless you are a candied yam,
’cause candied yams can’t vote.

So apparently there is an election today. How were we to know this? Oh yeah. The yard signs and billboards, tv ads and mailers, robo-calls and emails, the shouting, the pontificating, the bald-face lies, the hints of improprieties, the actual improprieties, the convenient omissions, the partisans, the non-partisans, the partisans pretending to be non-partisans, and the heart-felt concern for the (I, I feel a tear coming. Oh please Lord let me work up a tear!) the …children.

Truth is, I love it. What’s not to love? Sure elections can be awfully ugly and very, very messy. But tell me: What isn’t potentially ugly and messy when two or more people are involved? Cartoonists count on this stuff.

Vote, vote, vote,
vote, vote, vote.
Unless you are a donut,
’cause donuts don’t vote.
Vote, vote, vote,
vote, vote, vote.
Unless you are a potted plant,
’cause potted plants don’t vote.

Right. So speaking of my dim view of large groups of people, let’s talk ballot proposals. Ballot proposals are what happen when either (A) the executive or legislative branches of government cannot come up with a difficult law, so they weasel out by “letting the people decide.” Or (B) an interest group tries to bypass the system by “letting the people decide.”

Now “letting the people decide” is not in and of itself a bad thing. It makes sense for, say, school mileages. Do you want to pay a certain amount of your taxes for a certain amount of time to take care of your public schools, yes or no? Beautiful. Simple. Straight to the point.

But when it comes to deciding public policy and defining social issues, not so much. And Michigan has some lulus this year. We can vote to establish a mourning dove hunting season. (What the… Mourning doves? Hunt? You’re asking me? Where do I check “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”?) We can vote to guarantee state funding to public schools. (That sounds good — in much the same way term limits and minimum long-term prison sentences to drug possession sounded good. Might there be some unintended consequences? Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! I’ll think about that tomorrow.)

But the one that really bugs me is the so-called affirmative action proposal. Two years ago the United States Supreme Court decided on a case for the University of Michigan. Sandra Day O’Conner wrote a well-thought decision stating that establishing quotas (explicit or de-facto) for race or gender was wrong for a public universities. However, diversity on campus is a compelling reason to allow gender and race to be considered as part of a mix of admissions criteria. (Bah! Who needs well-thought decision when you can get impulsive opinion and tack it on to the constitution so it sticks?)

Vote, vote, vote,
vote, vote, vote.
Unless you are a fellon,
’cause fellons can’t vote.
Vote, vote, vote,
vote, vote, vote.
Unless you are a can of ham,
’cause cans of ham can’t vote.

Well I hope you, too are a little bit angry about something as you head off to the polls today. And if you want to share the song that I’ll have in my head, check out Amy Winfrey’s School Election episode of Making Fiends. It’s short, funny, and not approved by any candidate. (Thank God.)

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, October 2006

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, October 23, 2006

As election season grinds on and on…

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, October 16, 2006

Go Tigers! (And Pistons! And Red Wings! And Shock! And Wolverines! And Griffins! And Whitecaps! And Lakers! And Spartans! And Huskies!…)

Lions and politicians, not so much…

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, October 9, 2006

Alas, I don’t have time to write much this week. But then this week’s comic isn’t terribly controversial, so I’ll make it short: This month is the tenth anniversary of Grand Rapids’ very own downtown sports/events venue, the Van Andel arena. It’s quite a gem, really. Seats about 12,000, and is just a terrific place to see sports, concerts, and those “Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! BE THERE!” radio ad events.

It’s nestled on the south side of downtown GR, and it has been a catalyst for growth and re-development all around it. At first there was some question whether Grand Rapidians with their conservative, Dutch heritage would support such a building. But before long, Cher was stopping by every other week having sold-out farewell concerts, and even those who warned that large public works projects are a communist threat and those who (for whatever reason) resented the hell out of hyper-wealthy entrepreneurs giving money back to their community, they all had to admit to the Van Andel’s success. Cheers!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, October 2, 2006

Dick Cheney has stopped in Michigan a couple of times recently campaigning for local GOP candidates. I don’t like Dick Cheney. There. I said it. And I mean it. I really, really don’t like the guy. Let the search engines spread the word: John Auchter does not like Dick Cheney.

It’s nothing personal. No… wait, maybe it is personal. I suppose it could be. With such a laundry list of reasons, it’s definitely possible for personal reasons to be in there. It’s hard to tell. I put Cheney somewhere in between Donald Rumsfeld (whose gross incompetence and deflection of responsibility infuriates me, although he has never — thank God — personally sent me to war without proper equipment) and Mike Greenlace (who was my caddymaster at Warwick Hills in 1977 and was a mean, patronizing, jerk-face SOB).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have a healthy dislike for the current vice president even though I might not be able to quantify it completely. It’s a righteous dislike. I’m entitled to it. There’s nothing wrong with it.

However, at a certain point even a vigorous and justified dislike can start to cloud judgment. For instance, when the whole “ABC 9/11 docudrama blaming the Clinton Administration for failing to stop the terrorist attacks” broke, my very first reaction was to defend the actions of Bill Clinton. Not because it’s a good idea to reflexively defend the actions of Bill Clinton (um, it isn’t), but because it was the opposite view of a certain Mr. Cheney. I had no idea what the 9/11 commission had said about this subject or what the actual truth was. But I was willing to call into talk radio and try to sound like I did.

So that’s what I was trying to say with the comic: Dislikes are fine but not typically helpful when clear thought is needed.

Well, that and the fact that I really, really, really don’t like Dick Cheney.

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, September 25, 2006

General Disclaimer: When I say “Democrats” or “Republicans” I’m talking in general terms, recognizing that individuals within those groups have differing ideas and opinions and (sometimes) brains. Also, whenever I draw something that you agree with, that was me. Whenever I draw something that you disagree with, that was the terrorists. Just so we’re clear…

Democrats will just out and out patronize you. They believe in their hearts that for certain (most) situations, they know better than you. So it’s no surprise that when they are in charge of the government they create laws and enforce laws to save you from yourself (whether you like it or not). As Garrison Keillor has put it, Democrats have a neurotic desire to “…make cowboys do their whooping in designated whooping areas.”

Republicans, on the other hand, will tell you with utmost sincerity that they want to keep the government out of your lives. They respect you as individuals and believe you are much better at making decisions about you. It’s your money, it’s your business, it’s your property –- do with it as you wish. That’s nice. That’s appealing. I’d vote for that. And often I have.

Here’s the problem, though. It turns out that Republicans can also be a big pile of steamy hypocrites. Whereas Democrats are willing to get nailed to the wall time and time again for following through on their stated beliefs (a political liability, certainly, but virtuous in that you know what you’re getting), Republicans say one thing and then poke their pointy noses into other people’s business whenever they feel the urge.

Case in point: A couple of weeks ago, the Michigan board of education was drawing up some general guidelines on how science should be taught in public schools. For evolution, this is what they came up with: “the policy directs that teachers demonstrate how fossil records, comparative anatomy and other evidence may corroborate the theory of evolution.” Pretty straightforward. Maybe even a tad weak. “But not weak enough!” thought two Republican Representatives, Jack Hoogendyk and John Moolenaar who, by the way, distinguish themselves by not being science teachers. And they delayed the adoption of the science standards by petitioning to replace “…may corroborate…” with “…may or may not corroborate…”

Yes! Yes! That’s exactly what Michigan needs! Vagueness and uncertainty in our science education! And we need to demonstrate to our growing science research facilities and bio-medical firms that our legislators aren’t afraid give their input and, you know, change rules whenever it might get them a few votes. Oy! I tell ya, it is enough to make you question how evolution works. But then, I definitely don’t see any evidence of intelligent design here.

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, September 2006

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, September 18, 2006

Now I don’t want to appear to be too high and mighty here. I understand perfectly the impulse to go negative when going negative is, apparently, rewarded. When I was nine and had just moved to Michigan, I remember standing in the backyard of a neighbor’s house with the local gang of boys and eager to certify myself. And, at the time, the best way to do that was to beat somebody up and/or not get beaten up yourself.

In the idle boredom of an endless summer day, there was some drummed up provocation and sides were taken. One kid, Tim, said something to another, Ayman, and I took the opportunity to leap to Ayman’s defense. Not that he needed it or even wanted it –- there are just certain nonsensical things you need to do to be a proper stupid little boy.

I don’t remember what Tim’s original insult was, but I’m guessing it was pretty minor: idiot, moron, that sort of thing. I, however, escalated the insult to nuclear and accused Tim of disparaging Ayman’s Egyptian heritage. (I remember exactly what that insult was, and it’s really too nasty to repeat here.) Tim was stunned and began to stammer out a defense. I knew I had to hit him before he got the words out. I remember very clearly: “I never said th–POP!” I punched him in the mouth. He punched me back. We punched each other some more till Tim said stop. We stopped. A few minutes later Tim said, “I never said that.” I said, “Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.” He said, “That’s okay.” And that was that.

See what I did? I took a little kernel of truth, amplified it way beyond its original context, and used it to brutalize an opponent. That’s politics.

In Michigan, we have a hotly contested race for governor this fall. The challenger, Dick DeVos, an Amway scion has been using his considerable wealth to saturate the media since February with not-so-nice things about the current governor. The incumbent, Jennifer Granholm, had been saving her shekels but now has unleashed her hounds, too. The cartoon should give you a basic idea of what’s going on. (If you would like specifics, Peter Luke had a good article about it last Sunday.)

Ya know, the more I think about it, maybe nine year old boys aren’t so stupid. If we could have just one good DeVos/Granholm fistfight and get past all this negative crappola, it’d make for a much more pleasant autumn….