Auchtoon!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, January 14, 2008

We aren’t so much American citizens anymore as we are American consumers. Our role in the world is to select and compare and eventually buy stuff. (Witness the frenzied panic last week in the world’s stock markets — huge plunges on the news that Americans might just have to slow down buying everybody else’s crap for a bit.) It’s how the world sees us — it’s how we see ourselves.

Citizens vote; consumers select. And I think it drives us a bit crazy that this presidential caucus and primary system doesn’t allow us to select exactly what we want. Why can’t we mix and match? We can at the grocery store. We can with our cell phone plan. We can at Starbucks. What gives?! Well, electing a president simply doesn’t work that way and taking the “shopping for president” approach is only going to end in disappointment. That’s depressing. Perhaps we should all head to the mall to cheer ourselves up. (Actually, the other 6 billion people on the planet are pretty much counting on it.)

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, January 7, 2008

Whenever I play a pickup game like, say, football with my kids and their cousins, it’s pretty much inevitable that somebody is going to get hurt. Not seriously injured, just hurt — charley horse, scraped knee, fat lip, that sort of thing. And when this happens, as an adult, I think it’s important for me to stop and take control of the situation.

Here’s what I like to do. I’ll sooth the kid who got hurt, assure her that she’s going to be all right. Let everybody know that these things happen. And then when everything has calmed down, I use my best “this is a teaching moment” voice to remind the kids what is most important: That we should forgive and move on? No. That somebody needs to apologize first? Hardly. That we all need to get old mister frowny-frown off our faces? Not remotely. No, the most important thing in these sorts of situations is to find somebody to blame.

That’s right. There’s no point in moving on till you can find a scapegoat and agree as a mob that it’s all his fault. Not that it actually needs to be that person’s fault. Actual fault is beside the point. What I’m trying to do is fulfill the basic human need to find a focal point to cast derision. I like to suggest that the fault lies with an adult who isn’t even there — perhaps an unwitting uncle who we can all go punch later. Then, satisfied by either the blaming or the sarcasm (I’m never sure which), we can go back to the game.

In Michigan, Matt Millen, the general manager for the Detroit Lions has become something of our state’s scapegoat. And while he has certainly had a huge hand in the horrific, pathetic, abysmal state of the Lions, it’s also hugely popular to blame him for other troubles (and Michigan has plenty). None of the candidates in this week’s Michigan primary picked up on this. Maybe by the November election somebody will figure it out….

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, December 31, 2007

Did ya ever have that nightmare where you’re enjoying Christmas vacation and you suddenly realize there was an assignment you forgot to turn in so you have to come up with something really, really quick and send it in? And you aren’t wearing any pants? Me, too! 

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, December 24, 2007

Quick! I need an idea that will play well when in runs in the paper on Christmas week and near Epiphany when I make the blog post…. The lost wise man from the east? Genius!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, December 2007

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, December 17, 2007

It’s heinously expensive to fly out of Grand Rapids. Mostly it’s Northwest scaring away low cost carriers by undercutting them till they leave. Just another reason to hate flying….

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, December 10, 2007

For those of you who may be unaware, Hannah Montana is the latest creation from the Disney media juggernaut that separates kids, tweens, teens, and parents from their money. Her concert tour swept through Grand Rapids earlier this month, selling out instantaneously and drawing frenzied families from Detroit and Chicago and beyond who had gotten shut out of the tour dates in their cities. Crazy. But even as I write this, passing judgment upon fellow parents who allow the marketing machinery to play them like pawns desperate to please their little angels, I reflect on the hours Jane and I have spent trying to score a Wii this Christmas and, well, I have nothing further say about this….

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, December 3, 2007

Yeah, yeah… not very nice. But that’s what I liked about it….

(That’s Michigan’s governor, Jennifer Granholm in Hillary Clinton’s back pocket. Granholm was an early and enthusiastic endorser of Clinton to the point of helping her rig the upcoming Democratic primary in Clinton’s favor.)

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, November 26, 2007

1. Like several other states, Michigan has attempted preempt the Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary in an effort to become more relevant in determining presidential candidates. Iowa and New Hampshire have, of course, simply moved their events back to remain the first. Politicians, pundits, and party officials have waxed ad nauseam in passionate tones of the importance of all this. Important? Maybe. Stupid and mind-numbingly boring? Certainly.
2. As the longtime home to America’s major automakers, it’s no surprise that Michigan in general (and the Detroit Metro area in particular) has lousy public transportation. Nothing to feel guilty about, really. We hitched our wagon, so to speak, to the automobile world, and it worked really well for several decades. But, hey, if we are going to move forward, we really ought to consider looking outside of Michigan for a public transit model.
3. Peter Secchia is a West Michigan businessman and philanthropist. He has been instrumental the rebirth of downtown Grand Rapids through his money, time, and leadership. Mr. Secchia is also, well, surly. He doesn’t suffer nosy questions lightly, which makes it terrific fun when somebody makes the mistake of asking one.

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, November 2007