Auchtoon!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, May 5, 2008

At certain points in my life I’ve been absolutely positive that I would never like girls, eat a tomato, or carry a cell phone. I’ve been convinced that the NBA would never let the Detroit Pistons beat their precious Celtics and Lakers to win a championship. I’ve thought a Democrat would never be elected President (think Mondale/Dukakis years). I truly believed the band Wild Cherry had something going with that “Play That Funky Music” hit and were really going places. I thought Three’s Company to be a better quality show than M*A*S*H (although, in my defense, it was the later years of M*A*S*H and I had gotten over the idea of never liking girls — or at least their jiggly parts). And I was without doubt that I was lookin’ tasty when I went off to an 8th grade dance at Holy Redeemer in a silk shirt, platform shoes, and polyester slacks pulled tight with an extra wide belt to my barely 20-inch waist. I could go on. But the common thread here is that I stated these beliefs publicly, and I was wrong. Embarrassingly wrong.

For a different kind of wrong (let’s call this one “tragically”), this week’s comic was timed to the five year anniversary of President Bush’s infamous landing and speech on the USS Abraham Lincoln under the “Mission Accomplished” banner. As much as the administration has tried to weasil out the intentions of the banner (“We intended it only to mean this particular ship’s mission.” Riiiight.), it was clear it meant, “this Iraq thing is over, let’s throw an oil party.”

Similarly, our Michigan state government thought it had solved our business tax issue last fall when it killed the hated Single Business Tax and then scrambled with unnecessary haste because of political brinksmanship to come up with the Michigan Business Tax. Done! And there was much rejoicing. But wait, as taxes came due this year, some business’s taxes went up. Government officials were shocked, shocked! and proceeded to promise hearings to look into the matter …and there has been no more talk of having the issue solved.

Well this has been very therapeutic. I don’t feel nearly as embarrassed about myself — except for the cell phone thing. What certitudes have you proclaimed and later regretted?…

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 28, 2008

As you can see from the first panel, I think there are much better ways to help our economy in the long-term than sending us all welfare checks. As you can see in the second panel, I am as susceptible as any other American consumer to the siren call of flat-panel television technology. Not that we’ve bought one, but I am keenly aware of how to get one…..

Oh, and in the “do something long enough and you start repeating yourself category,” I submit the comic below. I knew I had done a government welfare check comic before. It was published in May of 2001. As you may recall, the government was sending us deficit money back then, too, and encouraging us to buy something — ANYTHING!!! It struck me that that might be a tough sell to the notoriously thrifty Dutch descendents who populate West Michigan:

Happy Doodle Day!

http://auchtoon.2gtech.com/blog/2008/04/22/usa-national-doodle-day-thursday-may-8th/

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 21, 2008

And I am quite sure that there have been airplane passengers who have complained to their friends after having shared a seat next to me: “He was all arms and legs and constantly working to get a piece of the arm rest! He was chomping Good & Plentys and the black licorice juice ran out of the corners on his mouth and dried there like some erstwhile Alice Cooper! And he kept his nose in a book the whole time pretending like he didn’t want to talk about my Franklin Mint collectables or marital issues!”

As for the comic itself, Northwest already dominates our local airport like an extremely large person can dominate a row of aircraft seats. The merger with Delta will only make them larger. Could end up being okay if some competition shows up, but in the meantime we may have no choice but to squeeze into the window seat….

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, April 2008

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 14, 2008

Michigan roads are notoriously bad, what with our endless freeze/thaw cycles and a maintenance budget that has been bled nearly to death (and a fresh infusion of gas taxes highly unlikely). At least we natives are prepared. We navigate the streets like drunken opossum, staying low, sniffing out possible danger, and swerving wildly when it’s detected. Pity the unassuming tourists coming to seek a pleasant peninsula and making the mistake of taking their eyes off the road momentarily to look about them. WHAM! There goes the alignment….

If I had to do this comic over again (and I always think exactly that when I post these things), I would have spent more time looking for a Photoshop filter with a sharper, more “shatter” effect. I settled for this one under deadline pressure. I think you get the general idea that the driver is hitting potholes, but you may also assume that he also dropped acid at the state line. [Cue Jefferson Airplane sound effect.]

Hmmm… providing LSD to mitigate the unpleasantness of having your car consumed by the highway may actually be a cost effective solution for the state. Or it may be a bad tip, man. [Cue ABC Afterschool Special program.]

This is so cool. My friend, Rosemary, asked me to participate in this year’s National Doodle Day, a fundraising event to benefit NF, Inc., an organization dedicated to providing support to individuals and families affected by neurofibromatosis (NF). Neurofibromatosis is a genetic disorder that affects one in every 2,500 births. NF is more common than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy and Huntington’s Disease combined. Funds raised from the Doodle Day auction will go to support education, advocacy, coalitions, and research for treatments and a cure. For more specifics and links, check out: http://www.doodledayusa.org

So the basic idea is for celebrities (by which I mean actual famous people and then also me) to contribute a quick sketch or doodle, and these are auctioned off on eBay starting May 8th and closing May 18th. It’s an incredibly original and creative idea for fundraising. And fun! Check out the galleries: http://www.doodledayusa.org/gallery2/main.php?g2_itemId=134 (Again I luck out — with a name beginning with “A” I’m on the first page.)

Spread the word to friends, family, comic collectors, celebrity fans, and eBay junkies!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 7, 2008

This particular comic is clearly the work of a pre-vacation mind. It has all the tell-tale signs: words that are only slightly distilled into comic form, deep dark sarcasm, general bitterness. This comes from the sprint to work a week ahead and tie up loose ends before the vacation begins. Not to mention the planning and packing squeezed out of precious sleeping hours.

So I think it’s obvious I was an over-caffeinated mess lamenting in a very direct way — why should I have to work so hard when others don’t try and get a “do-over”? Why is my sweat subsidizing their extravagance? My caution supporting their carelessness? All valid, to be sure, but also very much a product of my mental state.

And now having been to the San Francisco Bay area and back on a grand family vacation, I’m taken slightly aback. Life just doesn’t seem to need to be so caustic. No doubt the acid will return when the vacation bills start rolling in…. 

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 31, 2008

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 24, 2008