Auchtoon!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 30, 2009

I took my first job out of college in 1986. I went to work for Thermotron Industries in Holland, Michigan. Thermotron was (and is) a manufacturer of environmental test chambers. The idea is that if you want to make sure a product works under specific conditions (temperatures, humidity, vibrations, and so on), you test it first in one of these chambers. Soon after starting I was privileged to experience the first of many “why government is worthless” rants by a native West Michigander. I forget who it was or why he was doing it, but it likely had something to do with payday and deductions. It was good theater. He was quite passionate — lots of “stupid wastes of money” and “stay the hell out of my life” and “killing the working man.”

I enjoyed it, but later it struck as a bit hypocritical. You see at the time the country was in the middle of a massive military build up — huge amounts of taxpayer money (and future debt) were being poured into modernizing the armed forces. Defense contractors ramped up to meet the need and were keen to make sure the stuff they were manufacturing actually worked. Ipso facto, approximately 75% of Thermotron sales were to defense contractors, which meant a greater portion of each employees’ paycheck was provided by (and not taken by) Uncle Sam. Ah, the circle of life.

So I want to be clear about my point in this week’s comic. I am not a neo-Reagnite who believes that all government is inherently bad. If the past six months have demonstrated nothing else, it has proven without doubt that any large organization can be equally adept at wasting money: banks, insurance companies, automobile manufacturers, branches of the military, and of course the federal government. What we should want, what we should expect — what we deserve — is some accountability from them. We can’t wish them all away — the void would simply be filled by other large organizations. (Ever read “Animal Farm”?) To get accountability there is got to be some checks and balances, some auditing, some tweaking, some informed reporting — a lot messier than “stay the hell out of my life,” but potentially more fruitful.

Oh. My point: West Michigan is getting hosed by the federal government. And if we can’t get some accountability, how about some free pie?

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 23, 2009

Nothing I can add here, really….

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, March 2009

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 16, 2009

I drew this not to damn us Americans, but to simply point out that (as is often the case) a great strength is also a great weakness. Our constant scramble to be on top and do better than the average makes our economy dynamic and healthy. Except when we go too far, and then we suffer for it. Looking forward to the next bubble…

It’s problematic to say the least that there exists a world of very interesting things on the other side of my work computer. Curse you high-speed Internet connection! Why must you be so wonderful?! Actually, I think I handle it pretty well. Other than an ongoing addiction to Wikipedia, I manage to steer clear of that which does not translate to billable hours. Mostly. But last week I was tempted away by a link I found in a Graphic Designer newsletter. (So in a very rationalized way, it was in fact work.)

Some evil person has spent a considerable amount of time scanning ads from old magazines and indexing them very nicely. Old magazines (Life, Saturday Evening Post, Colliers, and the like) are a terrible weakness of mine. They are filled with historical articles, classic comics, beautiful photography, and campy ads. So I stole time in between chores to read some from the 1930s and early 1940s, and email favorites to my wife and equally Wikipedia-addicted daughter. Check ‘em out. Once you’re there, you can click the “View Larger Image” link to see details:

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1122406773
“So help me, I’ll beat the crap out of little Timmy …literally!”

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1144093925
Ah, yes! Remember when “willfully stupid” was an endearing trait in a women (excuse me, girl)?  

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1190000652
Whoever thought any product called “Crab Orchard” was a good idea?! And is it just me, or is this the gayest ad ever?

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1189999987
Let’s see: empty sugar, corrosive acid, addictive stimulants … oh, wait! They serve it in hospitals? Never mind, everything is a-okay here!

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1227711244
Our house was built in 1941 with these shingles (and still has them). And that’s pretty much what our living room looked like when we moved in.

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1227710292
Lead! Lead! We make paint out of LEAD!

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1164912554
Apparently, “copywriters” back in the “1940s” got “paid” not by the “quality” of their “writing,” but by “the” number of “quotation marks” they “used.”

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1214141128
Good news! Candy is food for work!

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1122912194
Aren’t men difficult? And by “difficult,” I mean, “jerks.”

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1146509984
Inspiration for the classic SNL bit, “It’s a floor cleaner; no, it’s a dessert topping!”?

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 9, 2009

Of course the market has rallied a bit since this was actually published, but the addiction is the same….

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 2, 2009

Far, far too often, when revisiting a comic I am confronted with painfully obvious adjustments I could have made — by way of example, this week’s comic. A rare glimmer of positive economic news for Michigan comes from our burgeoning film industry. Recent tax breaks and tweaks designed to lure movie makers seems to be working. (Gran Turino was shot in Michigan.) In terms of actual jobs, the film industry is still quite small, which fit nicely with actors tending to be very short in real life. (My brother once told me that one could easily trip over Sylvester Stallone.) But any job growth contrasts strongly with the ongoing shedding of jobs from our hoary automotive and (vital to West Michigan) office furniture industries. So what I should have done was drawn the two guys as very, very old men with the second one saying, “yeah, well — at least he’s not shrinking.” See? Obvious.

But then on rare occasion, I come across a comic where I would change nothing. Last week I went to a meeting for the Society for Technical Communications (which is actually a lot more fun than the stern name implies), and one of the members, Sandy, handed me a notebook of old newsletters. We’re considering making them available at some point on the chapter website. Back in newsletter days (when people professed not to enjoy reading on the computer), I did an occasional cartoon. When flipping through I found this one from 1994. Made me laugh…

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, February 23, 2009

Spring Break 1981: My friends Dominic, Lewis, Joe, and I took an ill-advised and somewhat unsanctioned trip. We swung through Pennsylvania to visit (and get free meals from) my relatives in Reading, then Dominic’s grandmother north of Philly. From there we headed to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Spent five days playing and having fun — Frisbee, wave-diving, basketball, go-karts… someday ask me to tell you the story about Lewis and the water slide. Then back over the mountains and home to Michigan. All this without a lick of trouble from Dominic’s Chevy Vega.

Oh, it wasn’t comfortable. Whenever I had to take my turn riding in back, I had to be careful to fold myself up just right and not relax. If I relaxed and Dom hit a bump, my head would smack against the unpadded trim where the back window and the roof met. And when it got too warm, we had to have the heat on full blast so the engine wouldn’t explode. And the tape deck that Dom installed played only one audio channel. So certain songs would disappear for several moments. Whenever I hear “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey” I get nostalgic:

Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky
Hand across the water (water)
Heads across the sky

The only parts we would actually hear was the “water” repeat. We only had three tapes, so we listened to the radio a lot. That was pretty slim pickings, especially when you consider the geography and what was being played by radio stations in 1981. Someday ask me to tell you the story about how Joe Hasselbach nearly chose death for all rather than listen to a whole Barry Manilow song.

Anyway, I tell you this because most stories or blog posts (particularly the blog posts) that are in favor of letting GM, Chrysler, and the whole automotive industry just go to hell start off with an anecdote about a crappy Detroit 3 car they once owned. Right. So there I have offered a happy story about a notoriously crappy car model.

Now we can get on with the real discussion: What needs to be done to ensure the United States will have a viable capacity for automobile production once we get out of this financial crisis?

Ready, go…

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, February 2009

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, February 16, 2009

We’ve become what I like to call a Derivative Society. (Did that sound impressive? I hope it sounded impressive. I added the “what I like to call” bit to make it sound impressive. And also to throw you off the trail because I haven’t really thought the whole “Derivative Society” thing through entirely. It just popped in my head, and I thought I’d write it down because I gotta get back to work, and I honestly don’t have a lot else to say about this week’s comic.)

Derivative Society. What I mean is that we are saturated with information. Media provides us with news and analysis way, way beyond our capacity (or desire) to consume it all. We are overwhelmed. But instead of using our awesome technological powers to gather and report information to add clarity, we sweep past the basics and drill deeper and deeper looking for hidden treasures. Not because it is at all helpful. But just because we can. We analyze the analysis of the analyzer’s analyzation. Which is asinine.

“Is the economy moving forward or is it moving backward?” is the simple question we could ask and the simple question that could be answered. Instead we are more interested in the derivatives: How fast is the economy changing? Are we accelerating out of going backward? Are decelerating out of going forward? Is this decelerating beginning to accelerate? Or is it decelerating at an increasing deceleration? Are crude oil prices going up or down? Who cares? Are the stocks of gas refineries in the Pacific Northwest enough to meet anticipated demands of the 2011 summer driving season? Now that’s sounds interesting! Let’s base the current price of gasoline on that!

So we’re left now with a stimulus package that was declared dead even before it was written. There’s no time to let anything actually work in a Derivative Society. We’ve already thought it all out. The only thing that can save the economy now is news of a future stimulus package. But once we anticipate what it might contain, that won’t work either.