Auchtoon!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, April 2009

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 20, 2009

Two West Michigan things you need to know:

• Our minor league baseball team, the West Michigan Whitecaps, recently generated international media coverage with the introduction of a new sandwich at their home ballpark: the Fifth Third burger. (The ballpark is named after Fifth Third Bank, possibly the most confusing business name ever, but as it turns out, works well for a burger which has five 1/3 pound patties.) It was the perfect counter-story — that is, in these times of belt-tightening and prudent behavior, folks around the world seemed delighted to be presented with an ostentatious display of gluttony.
• Next Tuesday we’ll be heading to the polls to vote on a millage for a new high-speed bus route, the Silver Line. Like all initial efforts in public transportation, it seems like a clumsy idea and potentially wasteful. Until it’s there and people start to use it, then it will be great and seem like it’s always been there.

And here’s something that you really don’t need to know, but I’m going to tell you anyway. The last time I recall overeating to the point of physical pain was when I was a sophomore in college — during the last week of school the dorm cafeteria had Italian Food night. After a year of Salisbury steak doused in A1 sauce and the quality of salad fixins you’d expect to find in Houghton, Michigan in 1983 (not good, not good), I had no self-control. I ate twice my body weight and maybe one of my own fingers. I remember barely getting back to my 5th floor room and falling like a wounded cow on to the floor. I wanted to throw up but feared the pressure would be so great that my digestive tract would be turned inside-out. After a couple of hours I was finally able move around again. Yeech! So, no, I won’t be ordering a Fifth Third burger anytime soon.

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 13, 2009

Back in the late 1980s, Kevin Nealon used to do this bit on Saturday Night Live where he was a TV interviewer who’s entire goal was to make the interviewee cry. So no matter who he was talking with, he’d ask probing questions about tragedies they might have experienced, times that they were very sad, perhaps a death of a loved one, or a favorite pet. And when they finally were reduced to tears, he’d turn toward the camera and smile. (I’ve already spent more time than I should searching for a clip, so if one of you find one, let me know and I’ll insert it here.)

This kept going through my mind during the Final Four weekend earlier this month. The NCAA men’s basketball finals were being played in Detroit and the Michigan State Spartans were, as underdogs from the underdog Big Ten conference and the underdog state of Michigan, the feel-good story. Quite a few State players hale from Michigan, so the national press and CBS just were just thrilled to ask them: Any of your family unemployed? Are times tough? What’s it like to live in a slum? Are you hungry now? How does this make you feel? It was a week-long SNL skit.

I was disappointed, sure, but not surprised. Michigan has become a tabloid story to the rest of the world and all those stories must include the words “unemployment, rust, decay, and heartbreaking.” Whatever. As I’ve said before, when parched folks outside our borders come sniffing around for fresh water in a few years, we’ll gladly provide them with a big brimming cup of kiss our ass. But for the few who happen to report about something positive before then — say, about the Michigan State Medical School being built here in Grand Rapids — come on in and have a swim!

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, April 6, 2009

Just looking for fairness in an unfair world….

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 30, 2009

I took my first job out of college in 1986. I went to work for Thermotron Industries in Holland, Michigan. Thermotron was (and is) a manufacturer of environmental test chambers. The idea is that if you want to make sure a product works under specific conditions (temperatures, humidity, vibrations, and so on), you test it first in one of these chambers. Soon after starting I was privileged to experience the first of many “why government is worthless” rants by a native West Michigander. I forget who it was or why he was doing it, but it likely had something to do with payday and deductions. It was good theater. He was quite passionate — lots of “stupid wastes of money” and “stay the hell out of my life” and “killing the working man.”

I enjoyed it, but later it struck as a bit hypocritical. You see at the time the country was in the middle of a massive military build up — huge amounts of taxpayer money (and future debt) were being poured into modernizing the armed forces. Defense contractors ramped up to meet the need and were keen to make sure the stuff they were manufacturing actually worked. Ipso facto, approximately 75% of Thermotron sales were to defense contractors, which meant a greater portion of each employees’ paycheck was provided by (and not taken by) Uncle Sam. Ah, the circle of life.

So I want to be clear about my point in this week’s comic. I am not a neo-Reagnite who believes that all government is inherently bad. If the past six months have demonstrated nothing else, it has proven without doubt that any large organization can be equally adept at wasting money: banks, insurance companies, automobile manufacturers, branches of the military, and of course the federal government. What we should want, what we should expect — what we deserve — is some accountability from them. We can’t wish them all away — the void would simply be filled by other large organizations. (Ever read “Animal Farm”?) To get accountability there is got to be some checks and balances, some auditing, some tweaking, some informed reporting — a lot messier than “stay the hell out of my life,” but potentially more fruitful.

Oh. My point: West Michigan is getting hosed by the federal government. And if we can’t get some accountability, how about some free pie?

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 23, 2009

Nothing I can add here, really….

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Family magazine, March 2009

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 16, 2009

I drew this not to damn us Americans, but to simply point out that (as is often the case) a great strength is also a great weakness. Our constant scramble to be on top and do better than the average makes our economy dynamic and healthy. Except when we go too far, and then we suffer for it. Looking forward to the next bubble…

It’s problematic to say the least that there exists a world of very interesting things on the other side of my work computer. Curse you high-speed Internet connection! Why must you be so wonderful?! Actually, I think I handle it pretty well. Other than an ongoing addiction to Wikipedia, I manage to steer clear of that which does not translate to billable hours. Mostly. But last week I was tempted away by a link I found in a Graphic Designer newsletter. (So in a very rationalized way, it was in fact work.)

Some evil person has spent a considerable amount of time scanning ads from old magazines and indexing them very nicely. Old magazines (Life, Saturday Evening Post, Colliers, and the like) are a terrible weakness of mine. They are filled with historical articles, classic comics, beautiful photography, and campy ads. So I stole time in between chores to read some from the 1930s and early 1940s, and email favorites to my wife and equally Wikipedia-addicted daughter. Check ‘em out. Once you’re there, you can click the “View Larger Image” link to see details:

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1122406773
“So help me, I’ll beat the crap out of little Timmy …literally!”

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1144093925
Ah, yes! Remember when “willfully stupid” was an endearing trait in a women (excuse me, girl)?  

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1190000652
Whoever thought any product called “Crab Orchard” was a good idea?! And is it just me, or is this the gayest ad ever?

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1189999987
Let’s see: empty sugar, corrosive acid, addictive stimulants … oh, wait! They serve it in hospitals? Never mind, everything is a-okay here!

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1227711244
Our house was built in 1941 with these shingles (and still has them). And that’s pretty much what our living room looked like when we moved in.

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1227710292
Lead! Lead! We make paint out of LEAD!

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1164912554
Apparently, “copywriters” back in the “1940s” got “paid” not by the “quality” of their “writing,” but by “the” number of “quotation marks” they “used.”

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1214141128
Good news! Candy is food for work!

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1122912194
Aren’t men difficult? And by “difficult,” I mean, “jerks.”

http://graphic-design.tjs-labs.com/show-picture?id=1146509984
Inspiration for the classic SNL bit, “It’s a floor cleaner; no, it’s a dessert topping!”?

Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, March 9, 2009

Of course the market has rallied a bit since this was actually published, but the addiction is the same….